This broke my fucking heart
This is why you don’t lie about having mental disorders. It is not a joke.
This broke my heart
this is real ocd, not the people in school getting annoyed when their desk is messy.
Those last few lines hit me really hard because that could easily be me. In fact, it has been, to a lesser extent. If I hit my left shoulder on something, I have to replicate it on the opposite shoulder. But sometimes, the hit on the right shoulder will be stronger, so I have to do the left shoulder again. It goes back and forth, until both shoulders are equally bruised. It happens with cuts and burns and even just people touching me. Animal bites are the worst because I can’t replicate them, and the pain of not being even hurts worse than the actual bite. Self harming can get really out of hand too- Everything must be parallel and symmetrical, and the same severity.
A lot of people say that OCD isn’t difficult- it’s just some handwashing and keeping tidy. For some people, that might be it, I can’t speak for them. But for some sufferers, it is hell. Some days it’s bearable- but some days, I have to wrap up in a blanket in an effort to keep all sensation symmetrical, because the OCD is so bad that I know the smallest thing could lead to an incredibly dangerous spiral.
"He couldn’t have one cut wrist.
He had to have two cut wrist”
Pretty much lost it there.
- me: wtf why is everyone going to bed, it's only-
- me: oh
I think it’s absolutely crazy how feelings can flicker so quickly, deteriorate so easily. One minute my ears are filled with the sound of your soothing voice complementing my every thought, mistake and action- then the next you plaster me with doubt, mentally suffocating me with criticism. I don’t know which is the truth and which is the lie, or what hurts more; the compliments or the suffocation. Weird isn’t it. I am not sad because your feelings changed, or that you lack understanding. No. I am sad that you are letting go of someone who was willing to change themselves into a better person. Change for you. All the care and feeling I have towards you is being thrown away. You let go of that, you let go of me. And you will never find that again. Another girl? Sure, but not the feelings I had. No matter how hard you search. Never. Giving you a chance and showing the slightest bit of affection was an ocean of effort. Appreciate me. Patience is all we needed, all you needed. But waiting seemed like a forever maze; an inescapable facade, an emotional trap. I can’t keep living in the past, the only time that’s real is now, the only time that exists is now. Our touch, our laughter, forever hugs, feelings, kisses and every depressing word I just wrote no longer exists. It’s in the past. Dead.